Did you ever put an address into your Google Maps or WAZE, and then halfway to your destination you suddenly realize you actually want or need to go somewhere else? Maybe you forgot that there is an errand you need to run first. Maybe you realize it’s too late, that the place to which you were headed is now closed. And, maybe you just thought about it a little harder, and said You know what? I really don’t want to go there… The funny thing is, until you put the new address into your app, it will practically lose its algorithm-programmed mind, rerouting… rerouting… rerouting… if you veer even one turn from the course it had set you on – trying to get you to make any detours necessary, to right you on your “wrong” direction.
Okay, how about this one? Have you ever had the experience of putting directions into your app, and well into your route you have a feeling you’re going the wrong way – but you keep following the directions anyway? Maybe there’s construction, or a new street that the sattelite couldn’t pick up on, or maybe the navigation app just got it completely wrong! Not until Siri tells you you’re getting close to your intended destination, do you realize, and growl, Wait a minute! This isn’t right. Where I wanna go is on the complete other side of town… Ugh!
One more. Do you ever put a destination into your maps, even when you don’t really need to? Maybe you’re going someplace that if you just though about it for a minute, got your bearings, and charted it in your mind – you could navigate the trip just fine without any help.
I got to thinking today how often my life is a lot like my experiences with navigation apps, and it reminded me that I need to take inventory a bit more regularly, to ensure that I’m in the driver’s seat of my journey. Are there times I forget to REMOVE where I no longer want to go, from the destination tab in my life, so I can go forward without constantly being pulled in the opposite direction? Do I ever just follow mindlessly, for way too long, without realizing that this is not at all where I’m supposed to be going. And, maybe most importantly, do I always assume I need help finding my way, even when I know full well how to get there?
For me, these questions and patterns are all about fear. Fear of trusting my deep, inner, true self- and they put me squarely in the center of what one of my coaches called ANTs -(Automatic Negative Thoughts). I want to kick myself sometimes when I think of all the times I said “I can’t” or “I don’t know”; never mind saying “Yes You can!” or “You Know This!”… What a difference even saying “Let me try” would have made.
But I’m not on the path of kicking myself anymore. Getting to know myself, learning to trust myself and most importantly, Loving myself, exactly the way I am, and exactly where I’m at, are how I figure out where I want to go, and how I’m going to get there.
Joe Jackson once sang “You can’t get what you want, ’til you know what you want.” And since I was on auto-pilot for decades of my life, there are still days when I really struggle with this. The good news is I’m more aware; the bad news is I’m more aware. But, thanks to my recovery, uncertainty doesn’t paralyze me anymore. I guess you could say I’ve earned my place behind the wheel.
Bikini Soul 