I am not a doctor, nor a research scientist. But I’m going to go out on a limb, and claim that the self-improvement, recovery and healing work I began in my late thirties, and continue to actively pursue today – is on par with most of the population. Maybe even ahead of the curve. I make this claim based solely on what I’ve observed and my own anecdotal evidence gathered in my friend and family circles (it even seems like Oprah really found her spiritual stride around age fifty). And, though I’ve often wondered if I am more or less evolved than my peers of the same age, I now think I’m right on track.
This whole line of thinking occurred to me this morning after my therapy appointment. I got back into private counseling a couple of months ago, when I felt some of the trauma work I was addressing in groups landed me feeling stuck, or in a dissociative floating state – a clear indication I wasn’t able to access my true feelings.
We were talking about some of the old painful situations I used to tolerate. And she asked if I was comfortable with the behaviors, because I didn’t realize they were wrong. To which I said ,
“No. I knew they were wrong, I was just comfortable with being in pain. I was learning codependency, and to ignore and numb my feelings since probably before I was born. I only began to actively search for a way out of the pain and insanity, maybe around age forty. I’m fifty-three now – so I’ve accepted that these things will show themselves occasionally. They’re kind of hard wired.”
When my appointment was over, I thought about the people I know who I would say are on similar paths as me, and I realized they are most around my age; many a bit older. As far as doing my personal work goes, I seem to be arriving right on time. This comes as a relief, and also a bit of a sad revelation.
There’s an old saying, which I think was a line in It’s A Wonderful Life, that goes something like “Youth is wasted on the young.” I don’t know if I agree with this sentiment entirely, but it does make me ask why it takes so many years of growing pains to get to our best selves. It’s just the emotional cycle of life, I guess.
Here’s the way I see it:
In childhood we are being inundated with our parent’s ways-good and bad. And whether from generational dysfunction or unpreventable trauma – there is always some bad. Throughout our twenties we act just the way we were taught, whether we admit it or not – and even in the midst of thinking we are nothing like them. Usually in our thirties, we’re deep in our own adult relationships and doing adult things (like parenting, career politics and mortgages). Those icky behaviors and feelings start to get more difficult to ignore. This is the point where people might enter therapy or read some self-help books – but the “baked in” rules of our family-of-origin make us resistant to uncovering uncomfortable truths. Entering the forties brings with it a type of freedom of finally wanting to not give a damn, and doing everything we can to figure out what makes us happy – without other people’s voices in our heads. If you get to this point of doing whatever it takes, no matter how uncomfortable at times – to live a life of honesty, self-love, forgiveness, and continued growth, I guess you could say you’ve entered the realm of your true self, and the rest is just working through the occasional slips, kinks, and updates.
I’m so grateful to have arrived at this space.
This is what recovery fellowships around the world refer to as “Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it” after fear, anger and shame dissipate, and we intuitively make healthier choices.
And just like George Bailey, though we may be past our physical prime – the discover of what truly matters, and the realization of how wonderful the gift of life really is – can make us feel brand new!
Bikini Soul 