If you’re reading this post hoping for me to reveal a weird dream I had, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Like most people, I don’t usually recall my dreams.
What I find weirdly interesting in my case, which doesn’t quite seem to fit any particular REM profile, is that my dreams always -and I do mean every single night- have the same characteristics. The mini-movies which play out in my unconscious mind as I sleep, are all, extremely vivid, very intense – like the urgency of an action movie scene, have some of the strangest known characters of my life, they are so distressing that they leave me feeling like I’ve been in an actual physical struggle when I wake up – and they are completely bizarre, making absolutely no sense. I amazingly, can almost always, get back into the dream at the exact point I left it, if I wake and fall back to sleep – which I sometimes do deliberately if the dream hasn’t come to a satisfactory resolution. Not peaceful resolution – never peaceful. I just mean that the “scene” comes to an end. Usually terrifying or troubling in some way, but and end, no less. With all this, I can tell you I only remember my dreams about once a month, at best. And the reason I remember them, only long enough to tell my husband, is because they upset me so much that I wake up with my whole body clenched and even crying sometimes – and will often be in a dark mood for half the day, while I shake off the ickyness of how real the dream felt. But then, unless I tell the dream again, I will completely forget it within a day or two.
Hence why I have no dreams to write on this post.
They say if you want to remember your dreams and perhaps what they might mean or reveal about your innermost desires or fears, you should have a notepad on your nightstand and write them down immediately after waking. I think I’ve done that a couple of times only to read back my summary of details and think, “OMG, What the hell?? I must be completely mad!” I’m glad to have misplaced those written records.
I think it’s safe to say, as I continue peeling back the layers in my recovery journey, it’s clear I lived for a very long time with unaddressed stored anger, fear and trauma. Maybe my mind is acting out some of that shit – in a very disorganized and peculiar way in my dreams. And I hope the momentary distress and discomfort is simply my mind showing me an alternate way of working through it to get to the other side.
Or… my mind is telling me to take a shot at experimenting with the thriller or sci-fi genre. Maybe I should put a notepad on my nightstand again?
G’nite.
Bikini Soul 