Here I Am.

 This is my first blog post. I think I had to write that sentence out so I could know it’s real, and it might really sink in that this is my first ever fricking blog post! What’s the big deal? Well, I’ve been wanting to write a blog for about five years now, and probably toying with the notion for close to eight. And there has been nothing at all stopping me, except for the thoughts inside of my own head. Ugh! Why is it that we don’t do the things that we so long to do? No matter how much research is done on this subject, I still have yet to find a good enough explanation, that can translate into permanently removing the blocks that hold us back from easily entering that gorgeous flow state, and going back again and again-without hesitation or excuses. They say that a habit sticks after twenty-one days. HA! I did the “Whole 30” for ninety days, and eventually got back into my habitual way of eating (which is fine, since I now happily take a more mindful approach to what I consume) Still, I ditched every new W30 practice except for one; drinking coffee without sugar. For the five years since, I have only added cream to my coffee, but not sugar, the way I had for more than twenty years. Is that success? Is that the kind of progress we can hope to make in all areas of our life? God, I hope not.

The reason I pose these questions is because I’m wondering the same thing about writing, literally as I type this. Did I mention this is my first blog post? Just checking. The reason I have finally decided to post a blog is not because I finally won over the self doubt bullies in my head, and all of the ways that I procrastinate, but instead because someone told me to do it. And not just any someone. A teacher. Yep. I signed up for a college writing class, paid $600 dollars, and now I’m obligated, I guess. You could say she’s my writing “coach”, with a recommendation (read:transcript) that will follow me forever. And yet, even though I truly believe I have some very valuable things to say, I know I could drop out if I want; and I’ve thought about it at least a dozen times in this first two weeks. I just know, that as much as I hate to admit it, I am motivated by authority figures, and accountability. Still, taking the first step to even register, was something I’ve put off for a long time. So, what’s the deal? Why now? I’m still figuring that out in real time.

I always knew I wanted to name my blog “Bikini Soul” because it was a name I thought of to describe how I wanted to show up in the world, and where I wanted to focus my energy. Since then, I’ve had lots of good ideas and starts, but since I thought I had to have a consistent theme and structure, and that everything I said had to fit neatly and perfectly into the flavor and spirit of “Bikini Soul”, I just kept procrastinating until it was “just right”. I’m not even going to try and explain what that means, because I’m still figuring that out too. What I know is that Bikini Soul is me, and what I want to say will find it’s way, good or bad, easy to understand or completely bananas. Some people will love the voice and the message I bring, and others (gulp) will roll their eyes and dismiss it.  But, here I go, either way.

What I’ve learned in the first week of this class are two important things. One is, that If I want to be a writer, I need to, as Stephen King put it “Follow the Story” as it develops and leads you where it wants to take you. He said in one clip, the best way to ruin a good story is with a plot, and right then I thought maybe that’s why Bikini Soul has never come alive, Ive been trying to put the “plot before the horse.” LOL. The other thing I learned is that if you’re a writer, you must get comfortable writing- a lot – knowing that most of what you write will be edited so much that most of it never gets published or even saved to your computer. To someone who is so afraid to fail, believing that anything I do has to be outstanding from the get go, that explains why sometimes I never even try. Perfectionist thinking sucks!

So, here I am.

Bikini Soul is going to be about everything and nothing. Maybe it will touch on some important core topics, and maybe it will be a rambling of things all over the place. I think I’m beginning to understand that I’ll be discovering that as I go along. What I know now, is that wherever my writing eventually lands – with thousands of readers or simply in a stack of essays on my professor’s desk and on my desktop, I feel comfort in knowing my voice will not stay locked inside of me. And that feels really good already. Almost like a real writer.